A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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