I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
