I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I believe in your delicious
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
