she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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