I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize