4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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