Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I forgot how hot balto sounded
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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