I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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