It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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