fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
