Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
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