you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
