So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
