you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
