the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
