and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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