I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
