I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
