One girl and one boy is just not enough.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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