Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
