and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
