I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
