I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
