Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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