Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
