I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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