Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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