I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
