I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
