I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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