he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just found puke in my bra..
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
