I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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