Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
