dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
