people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
