The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
