Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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