I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
