oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
