why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
