Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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