if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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