I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize