mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
