I can text with my tongue
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
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