I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
