i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Found your dick twin last night
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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