Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
