Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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