Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
