You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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