my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
