So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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