you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
