I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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