Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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