a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
